


Heaven Knows

by mokefer



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, and a tiny bit of angst, mild homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-27
Updated: 2012-08-27
Packaged: 2017-11-13 00:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mokefer/pseuds/mokefer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony wasn’t doing quite so well with the whole respect thing, but that wasn’t new.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven Knows

**Author's Note:**

> so i've been waiting for a fic that explores steve's religion but i got bored and figured i'd give it a go. 
> 
> i just want to add before you go on, that this was not an excuse for me to reflect my own religious ideals on either steve or tony, and i wanted to genuinely imagine what it would be like if they had conflicting beliefs. if anything in here is offensive, it was utterly unintentional and i'll be happy to change it! i tried to write this as fairly and accurately as i could, with as little bias as possible.
> 
> also, in my research i became aware that in the comicverse there are references to tony being of christian faith. however, after much discussion with my fountain of religious knowledge, angelica, we decided that the only higher power tony believes in is himself and therefore it's safe to assume he's actually an atheist.
> 
> right, now that's done, i hope you enjoy!

It was a long time before Steve’s religion became sort of an issue. Well, sort of an issue because Tony didn’t actually realise that Steve had any sort of religious inclination until at least four months after they’d all relocated to the Avenger’s mansion.

This was mostly Tony’s fault. He was usually in the lab from late evening until at least early afternoon the next day, and if he wasn’t, he was passed out in some sort of caffeine induced coma on the nearest available flat surface until someone, usually Bruce or Pepper, woke him up and reminded him to eat. It was needless to say that Tony Stark’s sleeping pattern didn't even vaguely resemble any sort of pattern at all.

It was for this reason that Clint took great joy in getting Jarvis to set Tony’s alarm for seven - on one of the rare occasions that Tony had actually decided to sleep, in his bed, for a full eight hours - and as soon as the incessant beeping set off and Tony was awake, his thoughts started buzzing and clamouring for attention and he had to find something to do to try and turn them down a little bit.

He decided to heed Pepper’s advice and begin with some breakfast.

Then he found Steve.

Steve was leaning against the counter, sipping a cup of coffee and gazing absent mindedly ahead of him. He was also wearing a very nice suit.

Steve’s eyes flickered up when Tony entered, and Tony couldn't stop himself from staring at him for a little bit, telling himself he was only trying to figure out if Steve had gone to the tailor he’d recommended or not.

Steve smiled softly, sleepily. “You alright?”

“What are you wearing?” Tony asked.

Steve paused with his mug halfway to his lips. “…A suit?” He frowned a little as if he’d somehow said the wrong thing.

Tony shook his head and furrowed his eyebrows. “No, I meant, why?”

Steve paused again, he seemed dubious. “I’m going to church.”

This was a lot of information for Tony to take in so he just blinked.

Steve wasn’t paying attention; he downed the last of his coffee without looking at Tony and set the mug in the sink, and he looked sort of normal for a moment -like there weren't superhuman muscles straining at the seams of his suit (which was not, infact, from Tony's tailor).“I’m actually running kinda late so I should probably head off.”

“Yeah, you should go. To church. Have fun at church.” Tony tried to ignore the confused look that Steve gave him as he left, mumbling something that sounded like “I will” with a hesitant smile on his face.

Tony had breakfast and decided to put the whole thing behind him. Steve’s religion shouldn’t bother him, right? Tony felt awful for it but he couldn’t help but feel a little, well, worried. But he was being too quick to judge. Where (when) Steve came from, everyone went to church; and Tony guessed the Jesus Thing did come hand in hand with the Human Embodiment of the American Dream thing, too.

Besides, when Tony had come across Steve in the kitchen, he'd already been in a cranky mood. He had a crick in his neck because he’d somehow managed to lodge the pillow in a bizarre place, doubled up under his shoulder, and that alone was enough to make him uptight. Plus, in Steve’s defence, he never mentioned his religion, not even once, which was good, because there was nothing that irritated Tony more than the persistently religious.

Okay, so, there were a lot of things that irritated him more than that. And, sure, he appreciated that people had the right to practice their faith, so long as it wasn’t shoved down his throat - and, well, he figured most religious people felt the same about atheists. Besides, it had taken him four whole months to find out that Steve was religious at all, which was a real credit to Steve.

Tony wasn’t doing quite so well with the whole respect thing, but that was nothing new.

It was getting increasingly difficult because, while Tony had had no trouble avoiding the topic of religion when he was blissfully ignorant of Steve’s faith, once he was aware of it, it was almost like he couldn’t shut up about it. It became the elephant in the room. And Tony saw it _everywhere_.

The bottom line was that there was no excuse for Tony to feel even slightly irked by it, and knowing that just made him feel worse when it inevitably came up in conversation time and time again. The guilt became unbearable, because it was always his fault.

Tony was watching the news the first time it happened, only a raw couple of weeks since he bumped into Steve in the kitchen, blindly gazing through tax scandals and corruption in the NYPD when something caught his eye.

_“A planned protest by the Westboro Baptist Church was overshadowed Saturday when thousands of supporters gathered at the funeral of a fallen soldier to block the church’s effort…”_

Tony sat up a little bit.

_“…the independent, Kansas based church is infamous for it’s extremist ideology and widely condemned demonstrations, and had indicated plans to picket the funeral due to beliefs that the deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan are God’s punishment for homosexuality. Last year, the group announced…”_

Tony heard someone approaching and, as always, unable to rein back his sharp tongue, he decided to share his frustration.

“Hey, have you seen this?” He called to whoever was walking past, gesturing vehemently at the television with the remote. “Absolutely ridiculous.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about these guys.” Steve paused, and coughed. “Nobody deserves to be treated like that, least of all our soldiers.”

Tony panicked, because it wasn't Clint or Bruce, or someone he could rant at _comfortably_ about religion. But then his anger spiked and it was too late and he started blabbering. “I mean, they're out of control, religious assholes. I can’t believe this sort of brainwashing is legal. It’s disgusting.” And he should have stopped there but, being Tony, he couldn't. “This is what happens when you let something as inherently idiotic as organised religion become a fundamental part of society. It does more harm than it does good.”

Steve didn't reply, and his expression fell from one of mild fascination to a clouded stare, a look of silent contemplation, and once the news clip ended he turned stiffly and walked out of the room.

Tony forced back an apology and let himself slide down in his seat until his head hit the back of the couch. He closed his eyes and mentally cursed himself, repeatedly, for at least fifteen minutes.

*

Tony avoided Steve carefully for the next few days, mostly by remaining in the lab and instructing JARVIS to distract Steve with whatever the computer deemed appropriate whenever he came within a five meter radius of Tony’s workshop.

This only worked for about two days, because that was the longest time Tony could manage to push the thought of that blonde bombshell to the back of his mind. At about two in the afternoon of day three he’d started conjuring up vivid images in his mind of the Avengers turning up in the middle of a robot invasion of a Gay Pride parade and Steve starting to beat up the marchers instead of the bad guys.

At first he’d entertained the thought as quite amusing and ignored it, but it didn't take him long to realise that the chances of Steve being mildly homophobic were, alarmingly, quite high; he’d been raised in the forties, a time where the acceptable treatment of openly gay people was to arrest them and fill them with them hormones until they were ‘cured’. The thought made Tony shudder, and realise that the blow-torch in his hand was beginning to burn a hole through the shin plate of his new suit, and that he really needed a coffee break.

Upstairs he found Pepper, sat at the breakfast bar with long legs crossed, tapping away on her phone. She’d been waiting for him. “You need to stop avoiding Steve.” She said without looking up.

Tony made a beeline for to the coffee machine. “I'm not avoiding him.”

He heard Pepper turn to him in her chair and set down her phone. “Tony Stark, do not lie to me.”

“I'm not lying.” Tony flicked on the machine and turned to flash her his best I'm-not-lying look, shrugging his shoulders innocently.

“Steve talked to me.” Pepper said, exasperated already after barely twenty seconds of interaction with her boss.

“Oh.” Tony said quietly, fiddling with the settings on the coffee machine to avoid looking her in the eye. “What’d he say?”

“That you've been avoiding him.” She picked up her phone again and continued tapping. “And that he thinks he knows why.”

Tony’s body followed his head until he had his back to her, staring intently at the brewing coffee.

“Tony.” Pepper’s voice softened. “You know Steve’s nothing like th…”

“I get it, yeah.” Tony sighed. “I understand that, but…”

He couldn't finish that.

Pepper took a deep breath, impatient. “But what?”

Tony’s machine clicked to signal perfectly prepared coffee and he poured himself a generous helping, and then took a deep gulp. “I don’t know, Pep, they had some pretty extreme views back then.”

Her shoulders sagged when she made the connection. ”Tony, I…”

Tony sighed.

“Look, you got along fine before this.” She pointed out. “You should talk to him about it. Just ask him. And don’t be an ass."

Tony chuckled into his mug.

“It’ll be fine.” She stood and straightened her blazer, but even with her best authoritative voice on she sounded unsure. “There are some contracts for you to sign in the office.” She added, and left.

He groaned and let his head fall back, and resolved silently to not take Pepper’s advice at all, because it was her talk about breakfast that got him into this mess in the first place.

*

Luckily, run-ins with Steve after that were few and far between; aside from their work in the team, they exchanged only a few stiff smiles and nods as they passed in the corridors. Well, they were stiff smiles on Tony’s part; Steve always seemed keen to talk, but Tony brushed him off every time with bad excuses about board meetings.

Tony decided that his plan was working just fine, and that he would never listen to Pepper ever again.

Not that he ever really did in the first place.

He didn't end up in full conversation with Steve for a while, at least, and even then he didn't exactly remember it with full clarity.

It started when Bruce had come bursting into the Lab at around three thirty am, slightly red in the face and out of breath. Tony lifted his head from where it was rested against his fist, skim reading another threat from the government for confiscation of the suit, but Bruce started speaking before he could even come up with a witty quip.

“Are you watching this?” Bruce asked enthusiastically between breaths.

“You look very excited for someone who is a) up far too late, and b) could explode into the green giant at any moment.” Tony said, imitating concern.

Bruce ignored him. “Tony.” He smiled. “They've found the Higgs Boson.”

Tony froze for a second.

“It’s five sigma.” Bruce encouraged, and he was hot on Bruce’s heels as they jogged up the stairs and into Tony’s living room, where he sharply instructed JARVIS to put the live stream from CERN's Laboratory up on the large TV screen.

The two of them sat, hunched forward, head on hands and elbows on knees, at the edge of the sofa, watching intently until the stream finished at five fifteen am.

Once it was over, Bruce gave Tony a look that strongly resembled relief, and they stood and wrapped their arms around each other in a tight embrace.

Then they sat down to watch the press conference.

It finished nearly two hours later, just before Clint, surprisingly, the earliest riser, trundled into the kitchen to find a dishevelled, exhausted Bruce listening to Tony talking animatedly and popping open a bottle of expensive looking prosecco.

As soon as he walked in Tony turned his attention to him and handed him and Bruce each a glass, still babbling excitedly about something he didn't understand. Natasha entered, looking far too good for seven thirty in the morning, had a glass shoved into her hand, and then Tony announced it a party. “Sorry it’s not champagne, Dummy got the bottles confused again.”

Natasha politely set her alcohol aside. “What are we celebrating, exactly?”

“Everything.” Tony poured another glass for nobody in particular. “We are celebrating everything that will ever be and everything that ever was.”

Clint, seeming to take this as a good enough reason, shrugged his shoulders and took a generous sip of his drink.

"To mainstream physics!" Tony tilted his glass in the direction of Bruce, Clint and Natasha in turn.

When Tony was on the way to finishing his third glass, Thor appeared and, upon seeing the bottle on the table, beamed. “Ah! I see we are beginning the morrow with a glass of Midgardian ale! There is nothing to break the fast like a drink of ale. How does fair Darcy say it, it puts the hairs upon your chest!”

Thor swiped a glass off the table and chugged the whole thing down at once.

Then Steve walked in, hair damp from the shower.

“Cap!” Tony called, gesturing to the empty glass, not sober enough to stop himself. “Come have a drink.”

“You know I can’t, Tony.” Steve sighed, and, partly because Tony just wanted him and Steve to be okay again, but mostly because he’d already had a few glasses to drink, Tony made a dismissive sound and emptied the rest of the bottle into the glass, then thrust it in Steve’s direction.

By this point it was nearing eight, and there was a part of Tony telling him that he should probably stop drinking now - but that part of him was very quiet and gurgling into silence as it was drowned in really really nice wine.

“So, what’s the occasion?” Steve asked as he leant against the fridge with the glass held loosely in one hand and the other wrapped across his body to his waist, where the faded grey t-shirt he was wearing was bunched into his fist, and Tony was taking a long moment to admire how tear-inducingly beautiful he was so Bruce answered for him.

“Scientists think they've just found proof of the Higgs Boson Particle.” He said, a small smile on his face that didn't give as much excitement away as the twinkling in his eyes.

Steve took a reluctant sip of his wine as Bruce spoke, and his brow furrowed in confusion as he swallowed. “The Hiss what?”

Bruce chuckled. “It’s complicated, but it’s worthy of a small glass of bubbly at eight in the morning.”

Then Thor’s phone rang, and it was Jane, asking if they’d been watching the livestream. Thor eventually managed to put it on speaker, and they all abandoned their drinks and crowded round to hear Bruce and Jane talk Physics jargon.

Nobody else finished their drinks, apart from Thor, so Tony took it as his duty to circle the kitchen, working his way through the remaining half empty (half full) glasses. Once he was relatively buzzing, his alcohol-addled brain finally slowed down to meet his body, exhausted from hours without sleep, and he made his way to the couch to take a nap.

*

He awoke about twelve hours later, and feeling the dull flat-line of sobriety hit him hard, he instantly shuffled to the empty kitchen to grab a beer. He got JARVIS to put the live stream back on so he could watch it again for lack of anything better to do. His eyes even stung a little when Peter Higgs started crying.

One beer turned into a couple of beers, and a couple turned into a few, and without really realising a few turned into _quite_ a few and a couple of generous glasses of whiskey because, after all, alcohol is the best cure for a hangover, and then Steve walked in.

“You okay Tony?” He chuckled, and it was about then that things started to get a little bit fuzzy.

*

“You said that the last twenty times, Tony.” Pepper commented when Tony said something vague about never drinking again, and she handed him a couple of Advil.

He chugged it down with a large drink of water, and closed his eyes to try and force the throbbing headache into submission. “I feel awful.”

“I know.” Pepper smiled. “And you should. When I arrived last night you were trying to explain the Higgs Boson to Steve.”

Tony groaned and pulled a pillow over his face. “Oh dear god, that would go badly enough if I was sober.”

“He was just smiling and nodding.” Pepper said. “I would be too if I’d missed out on about seventy years of theoretical astrophysics.”

Tony groaned even louder and rolled over, tugging the duvet with him.

“We should get you drunk more often if it means you finally get a few hours of sleep.” Pepper’s sarcastic tone faded away as she walked out the door. “Let me know when you’re feeling better, I have those projections you asked for.”

Tony couldn't summon the energy to respond, just buried his face further into the sheets and tried to ignore the clamouring of his dehydrated brain. He didn't sleep, just lay for a couple of hours in a state of semi-conscious discomfort until the nausea began to subside and there was a soft knock at the door.

“Tony?” It was Steve’s voice, he was talking with an over cautious whisper. “I bought you some water.”

Tony rolled over sluggishly and looked up at Steve through heavy eyes. “Thanks.” He was tempted to add a ‘babe’ at the end just to see Steve blossom in an utterly edible blush, but he decided his exhausted body couldn't handle that level of attractiveness while in this state.

Steve set the large glass down on the bedside table, and Tony leant up on his elbow to drink, forehead throbbing in protest, but managed to finish the whole thing.

While Tony drank, Steve shuffled forward and perched on the edge of the bed. Tony’s heart sank, because he really, really didn't want to talk to Steve now.

“That Higgs Boser thing must have been a real cause for celebration then, huh?” Steve gave a small smile.

“Boson.” Tony corrected with a gasp as he sucked in the oxygen he’d missed after finishing the entire glass in one breath. “Yeah. It’s a pretty big deal I guess.”

“I really appreciate you talking to me about it.” Steve said, and Tony cringed. “It sounded really interesting, it really did. There were... parts of it I didn't get, but it’s nice that you tried to explain. Maybe you could go through it again some day.”

Tony snorted. “I doubt we’d have any more luck.”

Steve looked openly hurt; he’d thought Tony was insulting his intelligence, so Tony tried to back up and explain, something he wouldn't have done for anyone else.

“No, no, it’s really complicated, it’s a complicated Physics thing, I mean, I didn't get it at first. Well, actually, that's not strictly true _but_ it’s not because you’re stupid, because you’re not, you’re really quite good at this whole 21st century thing, considering there was nothing in your head but a Steve Rogers Slushie for seventy years...” Tony stopped dead and drained the last drop of water from the bottom of the glass to silence himself.

Steve did turn a little pink then, and Tony’s stomach did a flip that he tried to attribute to the nausea.

There was a moment of awkward quiet, then Steve said, “Oh,” like he’d remembered something, and was digging in his pocket. “I was wondering if you could help me with this thing.”

He held up his phone – the latest Stark model. “How do you change the… uh, the ringtone? On this?”

“Sure thing, I'll show you. Do you mind me asking why? The default is perfectly fine…” Tony took it off Steve and began tapping at the screen.

Steve looked disapproving. “Call it.”

Tony picked up his own phone and held down two – Pepper was on one, Coulson was three, and he even had the rest of the Avengers on speed dial after that, so it wasn't weird ( really, it wasn't).

After a moment, Steve’s phone began buzzing, and there was a soft crackle, like it had been recorded using the phone's microphone off a record player, and then a burst of female chorus.

_“Who will campaign door to door for America?_   
_Carry the flag shore to shore for America?_   
_From Hoboken to Spokane,_   
_The Star Spangled Man, with a plan!”_

“Oh my god.” Tony was too awe struck, for a moment, to laugh, and then he started chuckling. “Is this that old song? Who did this? They deserve a medal, oh god.”

Steve looked quite adorably baffled, his heavy brow furrowed. “I thought it was you, I thought you did it.”

Tony shook his head, still chuckling, as the ringing cut off. “I'm flattered, Steve, really, but I think it was Clint. I bet it was Clint. He must have gone all the way back through the SHIELD archives looking for that thing, Jesus.”

Steve couldn't help but let a small smile at this point, and watched silently as Tony reset it to the default.

“Thanks, Tony.” He smiled when Tony handed it back, and for a moment he looked like he was going to leave, but then he opened his mouth. “Tony.” Steve started again, and looked away, and Tony’s heart did that little melty thing. “I… I think we should talk.”

 _‘No,’_ thought Tony _‘no we shouldn’'’_ and he was still propped up on his elbow and it was starting to ache terribly.

“You know… y’know you and… and me. Us two not having the same beliefs…” Steve paused and his face was going from a delightful pink to more of a red. “It doesn't bother me, you know?”

“Yeah.” Tony lied. “I know.”

Steve looked at him, unconvinced. “I know you've been avoiding me.”

Tony opened his mouth to disagree. “If Pepper told you that…”

“Tony.” Steve said again, fixing him with an amused look. “I don’t need Pepper to tell me, you’re not as subtle as you think you are.”

Tony felt a little indignant at that and he wanted to argue, but he forced it down and let Steve continue.

“Thing is… I've been talking to Bruce about it. And I get that, now, it’s different. That you have more real evidence against the existence of God and that there are all these inconsistencies in the Bible and all sorts.” Steve swallowed, like he was embarrassed to be admitting this. “But… I was raised like this, y’know? And Church and God are one of the few things I have left to tie me to hom- the forties…” Steve’s jaw stiffened suddenly and he looked determined, trying to justify himself. “… but God’s been good to me, and there’s such a sense of community at my Church, like you wouldn't believe, Tony.” He looks proud now. “There’s so much love in that room," He paused again. "And that’s the one thing that hasn't changed since I was a kid. You should come along one day.”

He pauses for longer and, for once, Tony doesn't feel the need to interrupt with a sarcastic comment, he just nods.

“Okay, well, that’s not such a good idea really, I shouldn't have suggested it but…” He’s mistaken Tony’s silence for discomfort. “I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know how you feel.” Steve said suddenly and Tony frowned. Steve smirked, but it was soft. “Like you’re walking on hot coals every time you talk to me?”

Tony chuckled, because it was true.

“Well, I feel like that too. I don’t want to make you mad or anything, I like us just like this, as friends.” Tony felt his heart sink to his stomach at that, and Steve gave him a small smile. “I just don’t want you to feel like that. Like we’re enemies, I mean. Like we have to tip toe about each other, I don’t want that.”

“Me neither.” Tony said eventually, and Steve looked at him expectantly and he reluctantly continued with the feelings-fest. “I didn't want to upset you. That’s why I steered clear. I don’t want beliefs to come between us any more than you do.” He wished he had more water so he could drown his words with it. “Besides, there doesn't seem to be a problem with you and Thor, and I think that’s where the real spiritual dilemma comes into play.”

Steve chuckled.

Tony took a few breaths before continuing because, honestly, this was the bit he had feared the most. “I was just worried that you’d be a bit old fashioned in your views. About…”

And, God, that was a stupid thing to say, but then…

“About the… uh, the gay thing?” Steve continued almost seamlessly, and Tony felt a little flustered.

He nodded wordlessly.

And Steve started to laugh.

Tony was taken aback, almost a little offended. “Are you okay?” He said, and Steve waved him away.

“Did you really think there wouldn't be any of us in the forties?” He asked, the corners of his eyes crinkling with mirth.

Tony shrugged, realising he’d been jumping to some conclusions. “Well, I guess- hang on, did you just say us?”

Steve grimaced. “…I thought everyone knew?”

“I actually think I missed that memo.” Tony felt a little light-headed.

There was a moment of silence, which Steve eventually broke.

“Did you really think Bucky and I were just… platonic? I thought you read the files, you've always been kinda nosy. I nearly got him a dishonourable discharge…” Steve blushed a delightful colour again and then ducked his head “...but there was only ever him and Agent Carter. I loved Peggy, too. I guess I'm what Bruce said, bisexual. The term didn't really get thrown around a lot back then. Bucky and I had to be careful. So careful. You can’t understand what a relief it was when I woke up and I was told they were trying to legalize gay marriage in New York, and succeeding.”

Steve looked a little exhausted from his emotional outburst, and he let his shoulders sag when he’d finished. Then he looked at Tony out of the corner of his eye, with an apologetic smile. “Is that what you were worried about?”

Tony sighed. “Sort of, yeah. I mean, I'm not exactly straight myself…”

He trailed off, and tried so hard not to let it show when he looked at Steve in that way, but this time it showed too much, and Steve saw it.

“Oh.” He said quietly. “Oh, Tony. I thought…”

Tony didn't think he’d ever been rendered speechless this many times in a conversation.

“We’re such idiots.” Steve smiled and lifted his eyes to meet Tony’s. “We’re total asses.”

Then another pause, they were looking each other straight in the eye now.

“Can I kiss you?” Steve said quietly, and he sounded scared.

“God yes.” Tony muttered, and then he let Steve lean over him until their lips met, and he let himself be kissed until he was pretty certain things between them were okay again.

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to the aforementioned angelica, my own personal tony stark, because she was bugging me about it and also because realistically i owe most of this to her.
> 
> this is not my first steve/tony fic but it's the first i've put up here, so even a little feedback would be lovely! thank you for reading eep.


End file.
